"Our love was comfortable and so broken in, she's perfect, so flawless, I'm not impressed, I want you back." -- John Mayer 'Comfortable'
16I opened it. Not immediately, but eventually Emma's persistent begging broke me. So, the two of us sat down together, and instead of watching a "chick flick" like we told Justin, we locked the door and opened up Teddy's journal.
At first, it looked like a bunch of song lyrics with little doodles along the edges. Occasionally there'd be an important date, like a birthday or a dentist appointment, but nothing truly interesting. I was starting to feel a little disappointed, surprisingly.
"Do you hear that?" I asked, looking strangely at my door. The sounds of Justin and Anna arguing could be heard from the living room. "They started doing that yesterday."
"I thought they were, like, perfect." Emma mocked Anna's perky voice and I couldn't help but laugh.
"I don't know. She's been acting kind of weird according to him, but I don't know."
"Weird."
"I know. I thought they would get married," I said, still staring at the door.
"No, not that," she laughed, handing me the notebook. "Don't you have the same pictures?"
Sure enough, taped to a page somewhere in the middle was an identical copy of that strip of photo booth pictures that I had sitting in a photo album on my dresser. Beside it was written: Summer '04 and my name. I turned the page and found another picture of me, at the bar one night when Jake's band was playing. I didn't even know when it was taken, but I was laughing about something as I danced with Emma in front of the stage.
But the next page was about Brooke. A full page of Teddy's handwriting, dedicated to the fact that he had loved her since eighth grade, but things were changing. He didn't say what "things" but I wondered if he meant me. In the top right corner, in a pen with green ink, he wrote the name of a song by John Mayer.
Emma's phone blared out the words to 'Battlefield' by Jordin Sparks. "Hello? Oh hey you!" She had that smile on her face. That smile that she got when she was seriously infatuated with a guy. But why hadn't she told me? "Ok. Yeah. I'll tell her. See you in a few. Bye."
"So who was that?" I teased and she shrugged.
"Just Jake."
"Just Jake, huh?" I laughed. "Thats not what it looked like to me."
"What are you talking about?"
"You had that look on your face," I said, doing my best impression at googly eyes and a silly smile.
"I did not." She laughed as she buried her red face in the covers of my bed in embarassment.
"Yes... You did."
"Ok... So I've kind of had this thing for Jake for a while." She said.
"Wow."
"Yeah, I didn't realize it until recently, but I don't know... I just really, really, really like the kid."
I nodded and smiled. "I think he feels the same way." I recalled a conversation a few months ago when it was just me and him in the break room, sharing a bag of popcorn at four a.m. I had seen the two of them flirting earlier and I called him out on it and he confessed to the crush he had on her.
"I doubt it. He's performing tonight and he says he's got this new song he's singing to this girl who's supposed to be at his show tonight. He said he needs us there for moral support."
"The girl is you." I laughed and her face began to turn red again. "Go on. Get out of here. Go make yourself all cute for Jakey-poo." I teased.
"Don't ever call him that again."
"Trust me, I won't. It was just wrong." I laughed as she slipped her shoes on her feet and grabbed her purse before running out the door. "See you at the bar later."
"See ya," I said.
After she left, I shut the notebook and set it on my dresser across the room, in the exact position it had been in when I picked it up this morning. I didn't feel right reading any more of it. Not alone anyway.
"I can't believe you!" I heard Justin's voice, even though my door was shut. "Why didn't you just tell me before? It would have been a hell of a lot easier than this. I wouldn't have wasted my time."
And then, I heard Anna's soft, feminine voice, "I'm sorry. I know it was wrong. I was confused, but now..."
I knew what was coming, so did he. "Just go."
I heard the engine of her car start up, and the sound of the gravel under her tires as she made her way out of the driveway. Then, I heard Justin's door click shut. I sat there on the edge of my bed, feeling bad for the guy. I knew how he felt. To be the other guy. Because I was the other girl.
I changed into a navy blue cotton dress to wear to the bar later, curled my hair and put on a subtle amount of eyeshadow and mascara before heading to his room.
I stood so close to the door that my nose was almost touching it as I knocked softly. "Justin?" It was almost a whisper, but in the quiet house, it sounded much louder.
He didn't say anything, but I went inside anyway. He was lying on his bed, hands folded behind his head as he stared at the ceiling fan as it spun around at a snail's pace. I crawled onto the bed next to him and mimicked his position.
"You look cute," he said softly, not breaking his gaze from the ceiling.
"You look upset."
"Its fine." He said, still staring, and it was driving me crazy.
"Jus..." I stopped. I really didn't know what to say, so I laid my head on his shoulder. We laid like that for a while, in silence, just staring. The room grew dark as the sun began to set, but neither of us moved to turn on a lamp.
"I'm fine." He repeated. "Because she's not you."
I wasn't sure what to say. I knew it was hard for him, it was hard for me to. I loved him, but I just wasn't sure if I was in love with him like he was with me.
"I like the way we can sit here a talk about this, and still be friends." He said. "At least we have that. At least we can be comfortable."
Yeah, I thought. At least we had each other to be comfortable with.
"Want to go to the bar with me tonight? I'm buying..." I offered. He broke his gaze and turned his head to look at me.
"Ok. But only because you look so cute," he gave me a small smile, which I knew took a lot of effort. I sat up and kissed his forehead before leaving the room.
"We're leaving in fifteen minutes!" I called from the hallway between our rooms as I went in search of a pair of shoes.
- - - -
Did I leave my notebook at your place? t.Yes.Did you read it?No.So I lied. But why wasn't he calling me? He never sent me texts messages, even if he just needed to ask me a question. This was the first time I had heard from him since he'd left, and that was almost a month ago.
"I don't know why you're still holding out for him." Emma said. "He's not going to call again."
"Weren't you the one who told me to try to have relationship with him? Now you're against it? I don't get it." I said.
"I know, but I didn't know he had this other chick too." She defended herself, and she did have a point. "I'm not saying I'm totally against it, I'm just saying don't mope around about it. Just keep living your life and act like it doesn't bother you. Especially if he's around."
Could you mail it to me? I kind of need it.I rolled my eyes. Why couldn't he just come and get it?
Sure."What's he saying?"
"He wants me to mail his diary to him," I laughed.
"Why can't he come here and get it?" I shrugged. "Something's up."
"Yeah. Maybe."
- - - -
"Hello?" His voice sounded scratchy.
"Its me." I said. I never called him, but I was tired of waiting for him to call me. And I wanted to know what his problem was.
"Madison," he sighed and I rolled my eyes.
"So what's up?"
"Oh, just trying to get some sleep." He said.
I didn't apologize, because I was upset. "That's nice. So why haven't you called?"
"I've been busy," he said.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. I've been doing a lot of thinking and then there's the few hours I like to sleep." He was trying to remind me of what he was doing before I called, hoping I would tell him to get some sleep and hang up.
"Thinking about what?" My tone was more sharp than I'd meant for it to be.
"Stuff," he said. "Like what I'm going to do with my life now."
I rolled my eyes. "Well, when you figure it out, you can give me a call. But I can't promise anything."
I hung up the phone and sat there, staring at the pattern on my bedspread. Then I slowly got up and retrieved his journal from my dresser and began reading the rest of it, page by page.
