"Go if you want to go, But stay if you want to know, The way through the mess we've made, And lie in a bed you know, Or go." -- Hanson 'Go'
18
It had been a whole month since I'd heard from him. But I was over it. Sure, the first weeks were hard to deal with, because everything reminded me of him, despite what little contact we had in the first place. I was still beyond angry with him. It just wasn't right that I got to know so little about him, and even those bits had to be pulled out of him like teeth. He always acted like each time we met would be different. Like it would last, but it never did. When things got personal, he'd leave again, and I would start over with my broken heart.
But after a while, I fell into a routine with my friends and family, that worked pretty well for me. We'd spend the weekdays together. Justin and I would hang out in the bleachers a few times a weeks, eating Subway and watching the football team practice, while Coach had to deal with Buddy (I called him the backseat Coach - he was that bad). Then, we'd all go out at night, to a movie or to watch Jake's band play, and sometimes we'd build a fire in my backyard and just hang out there, talking and listening to music. It was great.
This Friday, though, Emma and I had both asked off at work since we both had more vacation days than we knew what to do with, just so we could see the biggest football game of the year. Dillon versus Arnette-Meade.
"Just like old times," Emma smiled as she sat on one side of me, with Justin on the other.
"Yeah, just like old times," Justin grinned awkwardly as he put an arm around my shoulders.
I shivered as the wind began to pick up, stirring up the cold, late fall air.
"I told you to bring gloves," Justin teased and I playfully slapped him as the two teams met each other in the middle of the field for the great coin toss.
Soon, the game was underway. It was a dramatic back-and-forth battle, but finally with only minutes left in the last quarter, Dillon scored the first touchdown, and managed a win.
"Coach still has the magic touch," Justin laughed as we descended the stands to meet my dad on the field and congratulate him on a well deserved victory.
"So where are ya'll headed off to?" My dad asked.
"We're meeting Jake in a little while for dinner. He's getting off early," Emma told him, and I could see just a little mischevious twinkly in his eyes, one that I recognized often in myself. I knew something was up.
"Well you kids have fun. Hey, Justin, can I talk to you for a sec?"
"Yeah, Coach." It was funny, after all these years, Justin had never stopped calling my dad coach.
"So what are you wearing?" I asked curiously.
"I was thinking about those fancy jeans I still haven't worn yet, and the black top. Or the navy sweater. Its kind of chilly."
"The sweater." I told her as we waited for Justin to re-join us. He was our ride, so without him, we were stuck.
"You guys ready?" He had an extra bounce to his step as we walked, and I made a mental note to ask him about it later.
"Yes, I'm starving!" Emma said loudly, and we all giggled for no apparent reason, but somehow it fit in the moment.
As we drove back to my house, everything was silent. The usual country music was replace by the sound of tire on asphalt and wind zipping by the windows. It was one of those moments where you realize that everything is good. Amazing, even. One of those moments you never want to end. I let out a small sigh as I laid my head on Justin's shoulder. I felt him look down at me, and I knew he was smiling, like always.
We bounced a bit as he pulled into the driveway, shaking me off his shoulder. "We're here," he announced, like always, as if not saying it would mean that we weren't really there.
We went inside to change quickly, before heading back out and making our way to meet Jake for dinner.
- - - -
As the waiter cleared our plates after asking us if we cared for dessert, Jake slid out of the booth and stood up, asking for our attention.
"So I had this whole thing prepared tonight, but I forgot all of it," we all chuckled together, "So I'm just going to come out and say it. Emma, I know that you and I have never really been an official couple, but I love you. I always have, and I know you feel the same way. So... Will you marry me?"
I was shocked. I knew they had been spending time together, but Emma always said it was nothing official. But I knew that she was in love. She always had been.
"Are you serious?" She asked as she stared at him in shock.
He nodded as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a big diamond ring. Probably the biggest in Dillon. I bit my tongue, so I wouldn't ruin the moment. I dug my camera out - thankful that I had thought to bring it to the football game in the first place - and snapped a quick picture.
"Yes." She said excitedly, in a high-pitched squeaky voice as she covered her mouth and jumped up and wrapped her arms around him. I took another picture, and another, and another.
- - - -
"I'm going to go home with Jake tonight, ok?" I nodded and grinned before giving her a big hug.
"I'm so happy for you," I told her.
"Thanks." She looked over her shoulder at Jake as he made his way to his car.
"Have fun." I said. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
She giggled and rolled her eyes. "I'll see you at work tomorrow night."
- - - -
"Its funny," Justin said as he flopped onto my bed while I changed into a comfy pair of sweat pants and an old Dillon Panthers football t-shirt that I was sure belonged to him.
"What's funny?"
"They haven't even dated that long," Justin said. "And they're already engaged."
"Some people just know." I said. "They don't need that long-haul dating thing to make their minds up. Its like they've been together their whole lives, even if they weren't dating, ya know?"
"Yeah," he said softly and sadly as I laid down next to him. I laid my head on his shoulder again, and I felt his arm tighten around my waist, bringing me closer. "I love you, Mads."
I smiled into his t-shirt. "I love you too."
"Your dad offered me a job tonight. Assistant coach."
"Really?"
He nodded as he rolled onto his side to face me. "Yeah. He said he needed someone he could trust. Who would follow him and not question his calls. I guess Buddy finally got to him."
Buddy had been offered the job as assistant coach with Coach Smith retired mid-season after a mild heart attack. But Buddy had been causing all sorts of drama around town at the strip club, as well as Applebee's, where he was kicked out for being too drunk and hitting on a waitress who was young enough to be his daughter.
"Good for you," I said. "Its the perfect job for you."
He nodded and leaned in, kissing me on the mouth. Normally, I would have pulled away, but something about tonight was just different. Like it was a turning point. Maybe it was the excitement and the romantic feelings from earlier in the night, but I kissed back, and I enjoyed it more than I ever had. And I realized I had missed it. Which I realized the next morning, and it scared me to death.
- - - -
"Hello?" I asked as my phone rang a few weeks later. Justin came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.
"Madison."
"Yes.." I sighed at the sound of his voice. He always came back at the wrong times.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He said.
"Yeah, well, that doesn't change anything," I said as Justin kissed my neck.
"I'm in town for a little while and I'd like to take you out to dinner. There's this place in Austin that I think you'd like. Please, Lyla?"
So he was finally confessing that he knew. "I'll think about it." I told him and hung up before he could say anything else.
"Who was that?" Justin asked from his new position, leaning against the counter with his arms crossed across his chest. "Teddy?"
I nodded quietly and he looked to the side, out the window at something in the distance. I could see his eyes changing into the dark gray color they turned when he was upset. I wanted so badly to make them green again.
"Are you going to go?"
"Go where?"
"To him." He sighed, finally turning his eyes back on me. "To wherever he asked you to go with him."
"He wants to take me out to dinner in Austin." I said softly and quietly. "But I don't know if I'm going to go."
He nodded quietly as he left the room. I heard his bedroom door click shut, and for the first time I realized how silence could be deafening.
