teddyownsmyheart
Underage Thinker
I'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit Like a perfect
Posts: 274
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Post by teddyownsmyheart on Jun 2, 2007 5:34:13 GMT -5
OK this is the new idear for my story i dunno if you'll like it and please tell me if you don't cause its nice to know if it sucks and need improvement anyways
Her names Audrey Simmons 15 she lives with her parents Has an older brother named Ben Whos just like every older brother she lives in Pittsford and goes to pitttsford middle school, shes facinated by this boy in her class who's always quiet even when he's girlfriend rocks up he turns into a studdering clumsey mess, He's strange but thats what facinates her. will she pursue this or does he dissapear?
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teddyownsmyheart
Underage Thinker
I'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit Like a perfect
Posts: 274
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Post by teddyownsmyheart on Jun 2, 2007 6:22:37 GMT -5
Ok so you want to know who this boy is that I am so fascinated in, well to you maybe he wouldn’t be so interesting but to me he is. He’s not Mr popular Not the nerd of the school I guess he could be an average, yes an average just one little average guy that I happen to take a similar path to and from school and its not like I’m his stoker because well that would be creepy and I’m not like that, no he’s just that guy in class who never talks you know the one, who’s freaked out of everyone mostly girls but sometimes guys now he does have a girlfriend Katie and I think he asked out a few time before she agreed to go out with him but she did.
He see’s her at lunch sometimes but they don’t really have the relation ship I would want because its well kind of boring you know, the only thing I see them doing is holding hands on the off occasion I think there more like best friends who decided to date but soon realise they shouldn’t have because it could rune the friend ship but I don’t know him personally so I guess I shouldn’t judge. His name is Teddy, Teddy Geiger not one to be known within the school. His mum is a chemistry teacher or so said the principle when talking to another teacher about his good grades in science, I don’t really know much about him except that of what I have told you above let me sum it up. Teddy Geiger, 15 I think. Lives 2 streets in front of me. Is in my English, science and math classes and likes Ben fold. Oh and his mums a chemistry teacher yep that’s about it. Katie his girlfriend me and her where befriends in 3rd grade we sometimes say hello when passing in the hall way but that’s about it. And this teddy Geiger, lets say teddy before he was dating this girl Katie was very shy, of girls and would get REALLY nerves when a girl would talk to him and he would stutter and things I found it quiet to my amusement till I realised what it was like then didn’t find it quiet so amusing but anyways yes that’s what he would do and shake could hardly find the words to finish his sentence but I guess eventually he did I guess other wise it would still be going now, anyways he lives in a nice house reasonable size well for the area and I guess.
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123456
Step Laddering Up
Posts: 79
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Post by 123456 on Jun 2, 2007 17:02:47 GMT -5
You really need to work on your punctuation for this story. No middle-of-the-line capitals, and more periods. It's so far like one big run-on sentence, which makes me not even want to read it.
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teddyownsmyheart
Underage Thinker
I'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit Like a perfect
Posts: 274
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Post by teddyownsmyheart on Jun 2, 2007 17:53:41 GMT -5
Yeah i know it realy bad cause i wrote it on my computer then pasted it and it came out like that
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Post by hesonmymind on Jun 3, 2007 16:30:00 GMT -5
the story has potential, u just need to use more punctuality and seperate it abit, but apart rom that i think its really good post more please
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Post by hesonmymind on Jun 3, 2007 16:30:20 GMT -5
btw i like the name of the title as well
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chloe
Underage Thinker
Posts: 471
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Post by chloe on Jun 4, 2007 1:20:58 GMT -5
^ i agree with Bianca, the story has great potential and is actaully quite interesting
if you just stretch it out like the others and use punctuation like speech marks, commers and full stops it will make a massive difference
but i cant wait 4 more- i like ur stories
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teddyownsmyheart
Underage Thinker
I'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit Like a perfect
Posts: 274
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Post by teddyownsmyheart on Jun 4, 2007 4:19:13 GMT -5
I woke up as i usally do, Its weird how it happens my body's like its own alarm clock its good it stops sleepins.
i roll over and see a small peice of light trying to get past the curtains across the window, a smile appears on my face as the thought of the sun so eager to get into my room.
a knock is herd on my door as my mum comes in she places, a small glass of orange juice on my bed side table acompaneyed with a nice warm "good morning sunshine" She pulls the curtains appart and the sun shinned trough "morning mum" you pull away your quilt "breakfast is on the table, im going to go wake ben" my mother says as she flashes you a smile before wondering out the door.
You take a bite of your bacon as ben walks in scratching his head, he spots the warm bacon and eggs on the table his eyes light up "yumm!" he says sitting down at the table "ben can you walk to school today were going early and cant drop you" mum yells from his room
Ben unlike me is way TOO! lazy to walk to school every day, i personally enjoy it, i quietly observe how my small little town wakes its quiet interesting you should try it sometime.
"walk!...urghh" ben wines as he shoves more food in his mouth (not a pretty sight) "Your sister does it everyday.. to and from"mum yells once again you put on an innocent face "not every bodies weird like her"he snapps at you you poke out your tonge "ben dont be mean"dad pops his head up from his newspaper before he begins to read agen.
[[So the pencils change to pens]]
"so was it me or did i just see ben walking to school"hayley your bestfriend asks you very confused, You both wonder into school
"yeah that was... i know mum made him" you snicker
"ok so i was thinking because adam is regretting breaking up with carmella, tonight we hang at yours watch movies just us 3 because we havnt had bestfriend time, in like forever, except for well school but that doesnt count" hayley smiles waiting for an answer "yeah i agree adams been down latley and that would be the perfect way to cheer him up" you reply "cheer who up" adam pops up behind you "You!" you say to adam poking him. "why?" "Adam you have been a little...Well down" hayley says in a calm voice "latley we think we should have it just you me and hayley at my house tonight" you addin "well sure, sounds like fun!"adam finishes ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hayley and Adam The bestfriend! they have been your bestfriends since like ever and ups and downs lefts and rights they have been there evan north and south you name it they understood it.
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teddyownsmyheart
Underage Thinker
I'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit Like a perfect
Posts: 274
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Post by teddyownsmyheart on Jun 4, 2007 4:20:51 GMT -5
Thanks for beaing honest, deffinatly helps may still be a bit suckey though... But i'm slowley getting it right
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Post by jessb on Jun 5, 2007 20:05:16 GMT -5
i love it! can't wait for more!
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teddyownsmyheart
Underage Thinker
I'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit Like a perfect
Posts: 274
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Post by teddyownsmyheart on Jun 5, 2007 22:44:11 GMT -5
Lunch "why is he sitting alone again" you mubble
"what?" hayley askes wondering what your going on about
"him" you point to teddy "he's sitting by himself again"
"your still, interested in him" she sighs
"i'm not realy, he's just a very interesting person"
"yes interesting because you like him, he has like 2 friends in the world there probally not here, so he has no one to sit with so... he sit by him self, thats it then he goes home and study's or whatever his nerdy self does"she giggles "so what time you want us to come over"
"5:00 cause i got some home work to do, and its just interesting to watch people, for me thats fun or whateva"you smile at hayley "do think our attempt to cheer up adam will work?"
"deffinatly, he needs it" she turns too look at teddy "i guess its kinda interesting i mean, what do you think he's listning too?"
"i dunno... old music"
"why dont you go ask him"
"because i just observe"you giggle "im the observer!"
"right, i forgot" she giggles too
"whats so funny?" adam sits down next to you
"nothing were just observing" you reply
"observing what?" he asks trying to find what hayleys looking at
"him" hayley points at teddy
"teddy geiger?" he askes questionally
"mmhm" you answer
"right, he's shy, very shy and quiet i think thats why him and katie broke up" adam says pointing to katie whos sitting with her friends at the other side of the room
"ohh they broke up huh... oh la la Audrey" hayley says in a little french acsent
"you like teddy" adams voice lowers
"no but hayley insist i do" you say comleatly ignoring hayleys comment
"then why are you always watching him"hayley looks at you eye brows raised
you look at adam "don't you find some people interesting, like their lives" you cought "the way they live, their lives"
"yeah actually i do" his voice rises as he smiles at you "i know exactly what you mean"
"SEE im not the only one!" you direct at hayley
"well im sorry if i don't know what your on about"
The bell rings
"class" you sigh ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- end of school "well be over at 5 ok" hayley says
"ok" you reply as you and hayley depart
you put in your ipod and shuffle it and lifehouse-take me away come on
You start on your long yet small journey home as you notice no one walking infront of you but you dont mind, your in a good mood.
You look across the road The martin home live: Mr and Mrs martin and their 2 daughters chole and rachel both twin 7 yrs old. mrs martin is getting in her car to go were but pick up her two daughters from school.
as you wonder further and furth down the street you notice nothing but a road and houses, you seem to be cought in a daze as your hypnatised by the slow soothing music and the fact that everything is quiet and lonsome it makes for a good walk home, as you reach the end of the street with your head in your ipod you cross the road someone runs into you causing you to drop your ipod on the ground "hey watchout!" you look up
"sorry, realy sorry" teddy hands you your ipod
"thanks" you take it
"sorry" he says befor running off agen
"What the?" you think to you self as you look at your ipod and guess what...it has a massive crack in the middle of the screen
"it must have landed hard"you say to your self
"it did" someone answers you look up a boy he's about 8 yrs old
"yeah now it has a crack" you point to the screen
he giggles "im sorry, that was my brother he's in a rush to get home he replys grabing your ipod "d**n thats deep, sorry i cant fix it" "i didnt think you could" you reply looking at him confused
"i know i was just saying i would have fixed it if it was fixable because well my brother broke it"he explanes
"yeah i know your brother hes in my grade"you state looking at the boy "whats your name" you ask to the boy
"aj" he put out his hand
"hi aj, im Audrey" you shake his hand "well i gotta get home i have home work, it was nice to meet you" you take you ipod back wave and walk off
That was weird you think to your self as you start to listen again
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chloe
Underage Thinker
Posts: 471
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Post by chloe on Jun 6, 2007 5:15:21 GMT -5
^^this is a way better set out, it makes it easier to read
but this story is really good and original i cant wait to find out what happens and why was Teddy in such a rush? post more soon, coz i will def read
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teddyownsmyheart
Underage Thinker
I'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit Like a perfect
Posts: 274
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Post by teddyownsmyheart on Jun 6, 2007 16:04:58 GMT -5
Awww thanks chloe
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teddyownsmyheart
Underage Thinker
I'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit Like a perfect
Posts: 274
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Post by teddyownsmyheart on Jun 6, 2007 19:51:05 GMT -5
Arrived home
"hey mum... Guess what just happened" you announce as you walk trough the front door
you mum pops her head around the corner from the kitchen as you walk into the lounge room
"i droped my ipod, thats the only new i got" you giggle
"oh your in love with that thing, thats just too bad atleat you wont be listning to it 24/7" she states
you laugh
"oh no its not broken dont worry"
she sighs "well i tryed"
"well mum some people just love music you cant escape fate" you pat her on the back and look down it appears she is making baked potato
"ohh mum"
"no you cant have any till later"she says covering the dish with her hands
"come on i have to tedt it i mean you dont want everyone getting sick now do you" you try to grab pieces of it
"i think i'll take my chances" she says in a reasoring tone
"um mum hayley and adam are going to stay over if you dont mind?" you look at your mum with big puppy dog eyes
"sure why not, no go clean your room or something before they come" she smiles
"there comming at 5!" you yell as you wonder into your bedroom
you look at your clock
3:15
"wow there not gonna be here for a wile, meh i think im gonna take ollie for a walk" you run into the spare bedroom and grab a dog lead then run out into the back yard and put the lead on ollie
"mum taking the dog for a walk you yell" as you run to the front door as you grab the handle a knock is herd on the door
"audrey get that before you go" your mum yells, as if your just gonna walk past someone when they nocked on your door
you pull open the door "hello"
"hi" teddy says weirdley standing on your front portch
"what can i do for you" you reply looking at teddy confused
"well i ran into you before.."he studders
"oh i remeber your the guy the one who was so egger to get home..why was that?" you interupt
"i was wating on an important call" he looks down at his feet
"oh right because your dating katie right" you say pointing to teddy
"um was"
"was? what happnd you too seemed nice enough together" you smiling at teddy as the stinky smell of his depressed mood
"we did?"he askes
"yeah deffinatly, atleast i think so.. not in a freaky way"you giggle
"yeah i dunno if we want to get back together later on then we will but for now were not" his mood lightens a little
"wow thats very mature of you" you admit
"i guess i dont know anyways, my brother said i broke your ipod and he gave me this said you droped it" he hands you an envelope "im realy sorry i didnt evan noticed i bumped into you i mean i didnt evan notice you
"oh geez thanks"
i can't belive he just said that, thats so mean
"i didnt mean that i just ment.."
"dont worry about it its ok, well thanks for giving this to me i apriciate it" you flash a smile before closing the door
"mum im not taking the dog for a walk anymore" you yell into the kitchen
you look out the window to see teddy walking down the steps
"ahh well.." you mubble to yourself as you wonder into your bed room
you place the envelope on your table and turn on your computer
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hayley says:Hey what movies should i get?
Audrey says:i dunno which ever
hayley says:whats wrong?
Audrey says:nothing i just realy don't know what movie to get thats all!
hayley says:Well ok then i'll just call adam later ask what he wants to see.. so did you just get home?
Audrey says:yeah about 10 minutes ago mum's making potato bake i can smell it right now
hayley says:Oh kool i love your mums potato bake its good
Audrey says:ok so on the way home i was quietly minding my business when teddy geiger bardges past me causing me to drop my ipod then his little brother has to apoligise for him, i cracked my ipod which i dont realy care about then his little brother which is so adorble he was so nice to me like fully appoligising and all
hayley says:so how were you talking to his little brother?
Audrey says:i think cause he was walking behind him i think i dunno
hayley says:well how old is his little brother?
Audrey says:i don't know i didnt ask lol
Audrey says:he looked about 8
hayley says:strange
Audrey says:i know and about 5 minutes ago teddy was here we had a little chat for a wile then he left, well i left..
hayley says:what? why?
Audrey says:he said something about he had to go home for something so he was in a rush didnt even notice me, didnt know he bumped into anyone, i mean how could you not know you bump into some one
hayley says:well thats rude, i guess hey im off to the video store and i'll be over at 5 ok xx
Audrey says:ok cya at 5 xx
hayley appears offline
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teddyownsmyheart
Underage Thinker
I'll be the grapes fermented,Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit Like a perfect
Posts: 274
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Post by teddyownsmyheart on Jun 7, 2007 1:04:46 GMT -5
your mum kocks on the door "hellooooo???" she says from the other side of the door before walking in she places 3 glases of orange juice on the desk and opens the blinds
"im going to have shower, make sure you have breakie and if you want a lift just let me know" she finishes then walkes out
"guys wake up" you say kicking hayley and adam
"hello wake up"
"im awake' hayley yells
"me.. too" adam slurs
"breakfast!!" you yell runing out of the room you wait for them to follow but they dont
"i'll wake'm give me 5 buck's i'll wake them" ben says making his way to the bath room
"im fine there awake" you say defensivley
'oh yeah" he pushes open your door as hayley and adam lay there sleeping
"fine' you say picking up 5 dollers of your desk and haning it to ben
"sorry guys your in ben's hands now" you close the door behind you and wonder into the kitchen as you walk past the stairs you notice ollie standing at the top of the stairs
"ollie come here girl" you say clapping your hands
she ignores you
"ollie your still not mad at me for not taking you for a walk yesterday are you" you sigh and proceed to the kitchen to find hayley, ben and adam siting at the kitchen table
"How do you do it?" you look at ben confused
"magic" he sighs
"what ever!" hayley blurts
'oh yeah" you say sitting down
"no!" ben covers hayleys mouth
'ok what ever i dont need to know, so hayley should i go to starbucks i don't know?"
''think about it later, like during the day the answer will come to you'' she smiles filling her bowl
''thats verry wise of you'' adam states ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lunch
"hey so i noticed you seem happyer''you look at adma as you both sit down for lunch
"yeah, your talking about carmella right"
"yeah" you smile
"i shouldnt dwell i'll lower every one elses mood i should keep it moderate" he giggles
"ahh moderate i see because to be un moderate would cause extream un moderate-ness'"
"exactly"he laughs"no one like extream un moderate-ness"
'no, never''
"what are you two crazy kids on about"hannah says sitting down
"um moderate-ness" adam says
"riight, you two are very strange"
"yeah we know" you giggle
"hey so audrz i was thinking right... go to starbucks tonight cause the brother could want to give your a free ipod i mean whats there to lose when free ipods are up for grabbs" hayley says grinning at you
"i guess and i can just go for a walk to starbucks its like a 15 minute walk from my house i can get a coffee go back home intime for greys anatomy"
"excatley' she adda on
"audrz 2 o'clock" she noods in the direction
you lookin the direction to see teddy
"oh thats right you like him dont you" ada says looking him up and down
"NO!' you lean into adam "dont belive hayleys little lies"
"uughm"hayley says nodding behind me
you turn around
"geez, urgm" you clear your trought "hi"
"CAN WE HELP YOU!" adam snaps at teddy
"um yeah here" he says handing you a folded piece of paper
"another note already boy, he sure wants me to go"you giggle taking the peice of paper
"mr behrens wants you to go where?" he looks at you confused
'What?"
"The note, its from mr behrens"
"huh?"
"for the history assighnment because your partner, whats his face?"
"tom" you finish for teddy
"wait your in my history class?" you ask confused
'yeah this year and last year"
"you were in my history class last year?"you ask realising you never realised
"yeah and now im your history partner"
"because tom..?"
"yeah tom, because he change schools were partners hence the letter why who did you think it was from?"
"um your brother"
"my brother?"
"yeah you know how you gave me that letter from him yestereday"
"i did?" teddy askes confused
"yeah the envelope"
"that was from my brother"
"yeah it was from your brother"
"OK this convo is way to confusing" hayley interupts
"alright well i'll see you round" teddy finishes before walking away
"cya" you finish
"SHE CAN'T STUDY TODAY ANYWAY WERE BUSSY!" adam yells at teddy as he walks away
"adam" you turn around
"i didnt agree to study with him today"
"you didnt?" he looks at teddy
"i didnt agree to study with him at all" you laugh
"right.. i..new that" he slets out an embaressing giggle
the bell rings
"i gotta go to the bathroom i'll see you last period" hannah says to you as she walks of to the bath room
"hey adam?"
"yeah"he replys
"i'll meet you out the front we'll walk home together"
"ok cya its a date" he laughs
"ha guess what i have last"you look at adam
"history" he sighs
"yep, that should be fun" you add on
"i gotta go, i'll see ya out the front k''
'ok, bye" you wave and walk off to your next class ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- last period[/i]
you take a seat next to hayley
"hey" you sit down in your chair
''hey, so get this i was just talking to adam right" she says to you
"hayley stocklisa shoosh" mr behrens yells at hayley
"yes sir;"she says politley
she mouths the words "i'll write it in a note"
she scribbles it down on a peice of paper
About you i was talking to adam about you, and he's getting all defensive i was like come on you have to admit you were acting weird are you jelouse? and he all like dont be stupid jelouse of what and this stuff he's totaly jelouse
she hands it to you, you read it and reply
I admit thats weird but i agwree what is he jelouse of?
she writes back
teddy
you write back
teddy? what do you mean teddy
she reads it
i mean he is jelouse of you and teddy beaing.."history partners" and that you think teddys and intersting preson
you write back
were walking home together i'll talk to him about it then but i still dont belive why would be be jelouse of that
she writes back
your walking home together since when and he would be jelouse because he likes you
you write back
ok i'll talk to him
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