Post by Kourtni on Nov 5, 2009 20:53:37 GMT -5
It Takes a Man
“I wanna be a brave man. I wanna be the kind of man she sees in her dreams. God, I wanna be your man, and I wanna be her man.” - Chris Young ‘The Man I Want to Be’
One:
It’s a Sunday morning, and I’m being woken up early...which isn’t usual for me. I look next to me and see my beautiful girlfriend laying there, rustling the sheets a little as she starts waking up. When her eyes open to see me next to her, she smiles up at me, and I smile down at her.
“Morning,” she says softly.
“Good morning,” I say back to her. “I hope you slept well last night.”
“After what happened last night, I had the best sleep I could ask for.”
Ah, last night...last night was amazing. You see, last night the two of us had sex for the first time. We’d always said we would wait until we were married, but considering we’ve been together for nearly four years, we threw that out the window. Even though we were just sophomores in college, we knew we were going to end up together...so, why not?
“Me too; last night was amazing,” I said as I leaned down and pressed a sweet, soft kiss to her forehead.
“Are you sure we did the right thing? I mean, we could’ve waited and stuff, but I...I don’t know. I enjoyed it so much, but I don’t know. Ted, I just really don’t know if we did the right thing. Maybe we should’ve waited until we were married. Maybe we should’ve used protection. Maybe we...”
“See, I KNEW this was going to happen! I knew if we did it that you were going to wake up the next morning regretting it.”
“But Ted, I’m not regretting it.”
“It sure as hell sounds like you are, Kourt. You’re sitting there saying maybe we shouldn’t have done it. That sounds like regretting our first time to me. I can’t believe you...”
“Ted, please...I...”
“Just save it Kourt. I’m tired of hearing it,” I sighed as I threw back the covers, climbed out of bed, and headed into my bathroom.
As I shut and locked the door, I moved to stand in front of the mirror. While standing there I looked myself up and down. Was she taking it back because there was something wrong with me? Maybe there was something I did to make her think like this. Maybe I wasn’t good enough. Maybe she thought I was going to perform a lot better than I did.
What am I kidding myself? I was the best I could’ve been last night. It was my first time too. I didn’t know just what to do either.
I was letting her feelings break me down and make me feel weak. I wasn’t feeling like a big, brave man anymore. I guess this is how you can tell I really love this girl. If I didn’t love her then her feelings wouldn’t affect me this much.
I needed to suck it up. I needed to not let her feelings get me this upset, even if I loved her. She couldn’t keep doing this to me. I wasn’t going to let her. I had to be the brave and strong person in the relationship, especially in the forthcoming months...just in case she were to find out she was pregnant.
As much as I’ve always wanted kids with Kourtni, I don’t want them now. We’re both still in college. I mean, we have jobs, but they’re minimum wage jobs that barely cover our groceries every month. There was no way we’d be able to care for a baby.
“Hey,” I whispered softly to Kourtni as I walked out of my bathroom and sat on the edge of my bed, reaching out to place my hand on top of hers. “Listen, I’m sorry about what just happened. I don’t want you to regret what happened last night. What happened between us was something VERY special, and I don’t want to ever forget it.”
“And I don’t want to forget it either, believe me. I guess I’m just scared that I’m going to get pregnant. That’s probably why I’m acting so funny. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I do wind up pregnant,” she sighed as she ran her fingers through her short, bobbed hair.
“IF you do get pregnant, we’re going to have to deal with it. And I’m going to say this now, but I am NOT going to let you have an abortion. No matter what we’d keep the baby.”
“Oh, trust me...I would keep the baby. I couldn’t stand the pain of having an abortion. I couldn’t stand the fact that I would’ve killed my child.”
“I think we’d make some pretty awesome parents,” I chuckled.
“We would,” she smiled at me. “I think our future kids are going to be super gorgeous.”
“Yeah; we’re going to make tons of hot babies, I think...or hope.”
“I wouldn’t make them with anyone else,” she giggled as she lifted her free hand and placed the palm against my cheek.
That whole conversation with Kourtni was nearly seven months ago. Now we weren’t speaking, at all. We haven’t spoken in about six months. Why? Well, because I found out she was pregnant. Even though I told her I would be there for her, when she told me the news I freaked out. And I freaked out so much that I broke up with her. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her. Boy did I feel like a complete ass now.
“Hey mom, can I ask you a quick question?” I said to my mom as I walked into the kitchen, finding her busy preparing the typical Saturday lunch for the whole fam...spaghetti.
“Yes, sure sweetie,” she told me with a smile.
“Um, by any chance do you know if Kourtni’s at her mom’s place? I really need to go talk to her and make things right between us. I need to be there for her...and my baby.”
“I spoke to her mom just a few minutes ago. They’re actually coming over for lunch. Well, her mom and brother are...I’m not sure about Kourtni.”
“This can’t wait any longer. I’m going to go talk to her now. Thanks mom,” I said as I kissed my mom on the cheek before heading out the front door.
-------
I pulled in the drive of Kourtni’s mom’s place and saw Kourtni’s white Jetta parked next to her mom’s car. I pulled up behind it, put my car in park, and then shut it off, removing the key from the ignition. As I got out of my car and started walking towards the front door, I felt the butterflies start to rumble in my stomach. I wasn’t going to turn away now. It was too late to turn back.
My fist balled up and just as I was about to knock on the door, the door was being pulled open. When I lifted my head to see who it was coming outside, I saw Kourtni standing before me. At that moment a look of shock crossed both of our faces.
“What-what are you doing here?” she asked. “How did you know I was home? Were you like stalking me or something?”
“No, I um...I just asked my mom if she knew if you were in town or not. I know your mom and brother were going to come over for lunch, but since I didn’t think you would come I came on over here,” I answered her. “Listen, we really, really need to talk.”
“We need to talk or YOU need to talk?”
“I’m sorry for not being there for the past six months. When you first told me you were pregnant I freaked. Even though we’d talked about the possibility of it happening, I really never thought it’d happen to us. I never thought we’d be parents at twenty years of age.”
“Yeah, well, neither did I. But every single morning I wake up to this,” she paused, pointing to her basketball shaped belly, “and then it becomes a reality all over again.”
“Um, do you, uh, do you know what you’re having?”
“A little girl.”
“I’d been praying to hear you say that,” I chuckled. “I’ve always wanted a daughter before a son. Don’t ask why.”
“Alright, I won’t.”
I could tell she really didn’t want to talk to me. She felt very uncomfortable, so I decided maybe it was best if I just left and went back home. At least I’d taken this first step.
“Okay, well...I guess I’ll be getting back home. I just wanted to come let you know how sorry I was for not being there for you and our little girl. But, if you’ll allow me to then I’ll be there from now on.”
“You don’t have to go,” she speaks up just I’m turning around and starting towards my car. “Sorry I’m not very talkative. This is just...weird. It’s just been so long. You’re more than welcome to stay for a little while. I can show you Addie’s nursery here at mom’s.”
“I’d love to see it,” I half-smiled at Kourtni. “So, you’re going to name her Addie?”
“Well, Addison Grace...but Addie or Addie Grace for short, unless you have another name in mind; if you do, feel free to suggest it. It’s not too late.”
“No, I...I think that’s a beautiful name.”
“Hang on two seconds...I have to go get my ultrasound pictures out of the car for mom. Then we can go inside, and I’ll show you the nursery.”
I took a step to the side and watched as Kourtni walked, or waddled in her case, out to her car. She was quick to reach in her car, grab the pictures, and head back towards me. By the time she got back to where I was, she was breathing heavy. Poor thing...I hated seeing her like that. Pregnancy was definitely not her best friend.
“Can I help you with anything?” I asked her as she stuck out the pictures, putting them in my hand. “When were these taken?”
“Yesterday at my appointment,” she answered. “The doctor says that she’s going to be a pretty big little girl. He’s guessing somewhere around eight pounds.”
“Taking after her mommy and daddy already,” I chuckled. “Why don’t we go on inside and let you show me the nursery? You probably don’t need to be on your feet this much.”
“Right this way,” Kourtni said as she led me into her mom’s house, straight for the stair case. We traveled up the stairs and stopped in front of the second door on the right side of the hall. “And this would be Miss Addison’s nursery,” she informed me as she pushed the door open and stepped aside to let me walk in ahead of her.
“Oh wow, it’s pink. I hope she likes it,” I laughed. “Wait, do I see a picture of us on that dresser?”
“Maybe,” Kourtni giggled as I walked closer to the white dresser.
“Oh my gosh, this was forever ago. Wasn’t this on our first date or something?”
“Yep, our first date...dinner and a movie. I remember it like it was yesterday. You were wearing dark wash blue jeans and a red plaid button up...and the perfect black Converses to match,” she said as she looked up at me with a glowing smile on her face.
“I cannot believe you remember all of that! I’m surprised I even remembered this was on our first date,” I continued laughing. “Wow, this brings back so many memories,” I said as I picked up the frame, holding it tightly in my hands as I walked towards Kourtni. “I...I miss you Kourtni. I miss what we used to be, like we were in this picture,” I told her as I pointed to our smiling faces inside the black frame.
Kourtni was silent for a minute. Her head hung down, and she moved her hands so that they were covering her face. Then I heard her sniffling. When I put the frame back on the dresser and stepped closer to her, she looked up at me and tears were streaming down her face.
“I’m sorry. I know this is a mess. Being pregnant has my hormones all crazy, and I’ve been so emotional through all of this,” she cried as she wiped her tears away. “I’m sorry that I ignored you and wanted nothing to do with you. Hearing you say you didn’t want anything to do with me just upset me. I couldn’t bear being around you if you felt like that.”
“Well, I don’t feel like that now. Right now I’m stepping up, and I’m going to be a man. Any plain old fool can make a baby, but it takes a man to raise a child...and I want to be that man,” I told Kourtni as I took my thumb and wiped away a few of her tears. “I still love you, Kourt.”
“I love you too, Ted,” she continued to cry as I reached out and pulled her into a hug. “Hugging isn’t as easy as it used to be, especially since I’ve got this basketball belly.”
“Would it be wrong if I kissed you right now?”
“No, not at all,” she half smiled as I leaned forward and pressed my lips softly against hers.
Then, out of nowhere, I looked up and saw Kourtni’s mom in the doorway. She had a big grin on her face. Apparently she approved of what she was seeing.
“Kourtni, I’m fixing to head over to Teddy’s house for lunch. Are you going to fix yourself something to eat later or do you want me to bring you a plate?” her mom asked.
“I think I’ll go with you. Ted and I will take his car,” she answered, quickly turning to me. “You don’t mind driving me, do you?”
“Nope, not at all,” I smiled.
“Okay, we’ll be there shortly, mom. I need to change into something a little nicer.”
“See you there sweetie,” her mom smiled as she turned away from the door and started down the stairs.
So far things couldn’t get any better. Kourtni and I had sort of made up, and she was agreeing to let me still be a part of my daughter’s life. And boy, I couldn’t wait to meet her...my little girl.
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Nursery: babybeddingmarket.com/frenchtoilepinkbabybedding.aspx
“I wanna be a brave man. I wanna be the kind of man she sees in her dreams. God, I wanna be your man, and I wanna be her man.” - Chris Young ‘The Man I Want to Be’
One:
It’s a Sunday morning, and I’m being woken up early...which isn’t usual for me. I look next to me and see my beautiful girlfriend laying there, rustling the sheets a little as she starts waking up. When her eyes open to see me next to her, she smiles up at me, and I smile down at her.
“Morning,” she says softly.
“Good morning,” I say back to her. “I hope you slept well last night.”
“After what happened last night, I had the best sleep I could ask for.”
Ah, last night...last night was amazing. You see, last night the two of us had sex for the first time. We’d always said we would wait until we were married, but considering we’ve been together for nearly four years, we threw that out the window. Even though we were just sophomores in college, we knew we were going to end up together...so, why not?
“Me too; last night was amazing,” I said as I leaned down and pressed a sweet, soft kiss to her forehead.
“Are you sure we did the right thing? I mean, we could’ve waited and stuff, but I...I don’t know. I enjoyed it so much, but I don’t know. Ted, I just really don’t know if we did the right thing. Maybe we should’ve waited until we were married. Maybe we should’ve used protection. Maybe we...”
“See, I KNEW this was going to happen! I knew if we did it that you were going to wake up the next morning regretting it.”
“But Ted, I’m not regretting it.”
“It sure as hell sounds like you are, Kourt. You’re sitting there saying maybe we shouldn’t have done it. That sounds like regretting our first time to me. I can’t believe you...”
“Ted, please...I...”
“Just save it Kourt. I’m tired of hearing it,” I sighed as I threw back the covers, climbed out of bed, and headed into my bathroom.
As I shut and locked the door, I moved to stand in front of the mirror. While standing there I looked myself up and down. Was she taking it back because there was something wrong with me? Maybe there was something I did to make her think like this. Maybe I wasn’t good enough. Maybe she thought I was going to perform a lot better than I did.
What am I kidding myself? I was the best I could’ve been last night. It was my first time too. I didn’t know just what to do either.
I was letting her feelings break me down and make me feel weak. I wasn’t feeling like a big, brave man anymore. I guess this is how you can tell I really love this girl. If I didn’t love her then her feelings wouldn’t affect me this much.
I needed to suck it up. I needed to not let her feelings get me this upset, even if I loved her. She couldn’t keep doing this to me. I wasn’t going to let her. I had to be the brave and strong person in the relationship, especially in the forthcoming months...just in case she were to find out she was pregnant.
As much as I’ve always wanted kids with Kourtni, I don’t want them now. We’re both still in college. I mean, we have jobs, but they’re minimum wage jobs that barely cover our groceries every month. There was no way we’d be able to care for a baby.
“Hey,” I whispered softly to Kourtni as I walked out of my bathroom and sat on the edge of my bed, reaching out to place my hand on top of hers. “Listen, I’m sorry about what just happened. I don’t want you to regret what happened last night. What happened between us was something VERY special, and I don’t want to ever forget it.”
“And I don’t want to forget it either, believe me. I guess I’m just scared that I’m going to get pregnant. That’s probably why I’m acting so funny. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I do wind up pregnant,” she sighed as she ran her fingers through her short, bobbed hair.
“IF you do get pregnant, we’re going to have to deal with it. And I’m going to say this now, but I am NOT going to let you have an abortion. No matter what we’d keep the baby.”
“Oh, trust me...I would keep the baby. I couldn’t stand the pain of having an abortion. I couldn’t stand the fact that I would’ve killed my child.”
“I think we’d make some pretty awesome parents,” I chuckled.
“We would,” she smiled at me. “I think our future kids are going to be super gorgeous.”
“Yeah; we’re going to make tons of hot babies, I think...or hope.”
“I wouldn’t make them with anyone else,” she giggled as she lifted her free hand and placed the palm against my cheek.
That whole conversation with Kourtni was nearly seven months ago. Now we weren’t speaking, at all. We haven’t spoken in about six months. Why? Well, because I found out she was pregnant. Even though I told her I would be there for her, when she told me the news I freaked out. And I freaked out so much that I broke up with her. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her. Boy did I feel like a complete ass now.
“Hey mom, can I ask you a quick question?” I said to my mom as I walked into the kitchen, finding her busy preparing the typical Saturday lunch for the whole fam...spaghetti.
“Yes, sure sweetie,” she told me with a smile.
“Um, by any chance do you know if Kourtni’s at her mom’s place? I really need to go talk to her and make things right between us. I need to be there for her...and my baby.”
“I spoke to her mom just a few minutes ago. They’re actually coming over for lunch. Well, her mom and brother are...I’m not sure about Kourtni.”
“This can’t wait any longer. I’m going to go talk to her now. Thanks mom,” I said as I kissed my mom on the cheek before heading out the front door.
-------
I pulled in the drive of Kourtni’s mom’s place and saw Kourtni’s white Jetta parked next to her mom’s car. I pulled up behind it, put my car in park, and then shut it off, removing the key from the ignition. As I got out of my car and started walking towards the front door, I felt the butterflies start to rumble in my stomach. I wasn’t going to turn away now. It was too late to turn back.
My fist balled up and just as I was about to knock on the door, the door was being pulled open. When I lifted my head to see who it was coming outside, I saw Kourtni standing before me. At that moment a look of shock crossed both of our faces.
“What-what are you doing here?” she asked. “How did you know I was home? Were you like stalking me or something?”
“No, I um...I just asked my mom if she knew if you were in town or not. I know your mom and brother were going to come over for lunch, but since I didn’t think you would come I came on over here,” I answered her. “Listen, we really, really need to talk.”
“We need to talk or YOU need to talk?”
“I’m sorry for not being there for the past six months. When you first told me you were pregnant I freaked. Even though we’d talked about the possibility of it happening, I really never thought it’d happen to us. I never thought we’d be parents at twenty years of age.”
“Yeah, well, neither did I. But every single morning I wake up to this,” she paused, pointing to her basketball shaped belly, “and then it becomes a reality all over again.”
“Um, do you, uh, do you know what you’re having?”
“A little girl.”
“I’d been praying to hear you say that,” I chuckled. “I’ve always wanted a daughter before a son. Don’t ask why.”
“Alright, I won’t.”
I could tell she really didn’t want to talk to me. She felt very uncomfortable, so I decided maybe it was best if I just left and went back home. At least I’d taken this first step.
“Okay, well...I guess I’ll be getting back home. I just wanted to come let you know how sorry I was for not being there for you and our little girl. But, if you’ll allow me to then I’ll be there from now on.”
“You don’t have to go,” she speaks up just I’m turning around and starting towards my car. “Sorry I’m not very talkative. This is just...weird. It’s just been so long. You’re more than welcome to stay for a little while. I can show you Addie’s nursery here at mom’s.”
“I’d love to see it,” I half-smiled at Kourtni. “So, you’re going to name her Addie?”
“Well, Addison Grace...but Addie or Addie Grace for short, unless you have another name in mind; if you do, feel free to suggest it. It’s not too late.”
“No, I...I think that’s a beautiful name.”
“Hang on two seconds...I have to go get my ultrasound pictures out of the car for mom. Then we can go inside, and I’ll show you the nursery.”
I took a step to the side and watched as Kourtni walked, or waddled in her case, out to her car. She was quick to reach in her car, grab the pictures, and head back towards me. By the time she got back to where I was, she was breathing heavy. Poor thing...I hated seeing her like that. Pregnancy was definitely not her best friend.
“Can I help you with anything?” I asked her as she stuck out the pictures, putting them in my hand. “When were these taken?”
“Yesterday at my appointment,” she answered. “The doctor says that she’s going to be a pretty big little girl. He’s guessing somewhere around eight pounds.”
“Taking after her mommy and daddy already,” I chuckled. “Why don’t we go on inside and let you show me the nursery? You probably don’t need to be on your feet this much.”
“Right this way,” Kourtni said as she led me into her mom’s house, straight for the stair case. We traveled up the stairs and stopped in front of the second door on the right side of the hall. “And this would be Miss Addison’s nursery,” she informed me as she pushed the door open and stepped aside to let me walk in ahead of her.
“Oh wow, it’s pink. I hope she likes it,” I laughed. “Wait, do I see a picture of us on that dresser?”
“Maybe,” Kourtni giggled as I walked closer to the white dresser.
“Oh my gosh, this was forever ago. Wasn’t this on our first date or something?”
“Yep, our first date...dinner and a movie. I remember it like it was yesterday. You were wearing dark wash blue jeans and a red plaid button up...and the perfect black Converses to match,” she said as she looked up at me with a glowing smile on her face.
“I cannot believe you remember all of that! I’m surprised I even remembered this was on our first date,” I continued laughing. “Wow, this brings back so many memories,” I said as I picked up the frame, holding it tightly in my hands as I walked towards Kourtni. “I...I miss you Kourtni. I miss what we used to be, like we were in this picture,” I told her as I pointed to our smiling faces inside the black frame.
Kourtni was silent for a minute. Her head hung down, and she moved her hands so that they were covering her face. Then I heard her sniffling. When I put the frame back on the dresser and stepped closer to her, she looked up at me and tears were streaming down her face.
“I’m sorry. I know this is a mess. Being pregnant has my hormones all crazy, and I’ve been so emotional through all of this,” she cried as she wiped her tears away. “I’m sorry that I ignored you and wanted nothing to do with you. Hearing you say you didn’t want anything to do with me just upset me. I couldn’t bear being around you if you felt like that.”
“Well, I don’t feel like that now. Right now I’m stepping up, and I’m going to be a man. Any plain old fool can make a baby, but it takes a man to raise a child...and I want to be that man,” I told Kourtni as I took my thumb and wiped away a few of her tears. “I still love you, Kourt.”
“I love you too, Ted,” she continued to cry as I reached out and pulled her into a hug. “Hugging isn’t as easy as it used to be, especially since I’ve got this basketball belly.”
“Would it be wrong if I kissed you right now?”
“No, not at all,” she half smiled as I leaned forward and pressed my lips softly against hers.
Then, out of nowhere, I looked up and saw Kourtni’s mom in the doorway. She had a big grin on her face. Apparently she approved of what she was seeing.
“Kourtni, I’m fixing to head over to Teddy’s house for lunch. Are you going to fix yourself something to eat later or do you want me to bring you a plate?” her mom asked.
“I think I’ll go with you. Ted and I will take his car,” she answered, quickly turning to me. “You don’t mind driving me, do you?”
“Nope, not at all,” I smiled.
“Okay, we’ll be there shortly, mom. I need to change into something a little nicer.”
“See you there sweetie,” her mom smiled as she turned away from the door and started down the stairs.
So far things couldn’t get any better. Kourtni and I had sort of made up, and she was agreeing to let me still be a part of my daughter’s life. And boy, I couldn’t wait to meet her...my little girl.
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Nursery: babybeddingmarket.com/frenchtoilepinkbabybedding.aspx